August 29, 2007 – 8:06 am
Unstable Crane Causes Evacuation in Stamford
It’s best to play it safe when threatened by a very large demented bird.
Dropping the Chicken
…and running from the crazy crane.
It’s Bird Eat Bird in a Cluttered Sky
From the crazy crane, a muttered cry.
From the dropped chicken, a sputtered why?
Smuggled Turtle Eggs Seized in Mexico
Were they hidden in a turtle?
Priced Out of Rome
Consider living in Nome.
Ten Things to Do Before this Article is Finished
One of them should be to come up with a better headline.
Op-Chart: An Update on the State of New Orleans
It now contains the city of Louisiana.
Assigning Blame for the Mess in Iraq (5 Letters)
Don’t look at me; my name has six letters.
Obama Offers Universal Health Care Plan
This is fantastic news for a lot of people — but I wasn’t aware that Obama is that wealthy.
Pelosi: Climate Change Is a Reality
Uh… Nancy, I think most of us learned that in elementary school.
Will Warming Lead to a Rise in Hurricanes?
Most likely. We’ve never had many hurricanes during the winter.
Rice Cautions Israel on Syria
Uh… Condi, I think Israel is already aware of the danger posed by Syria.
Lawmakers renew effort for ealth coverage
Soon they’ll know how to spell it.
Methodists tackle transition issue in clergy sex changes
What can I say?
February 13, 2007 – 11:15 am
N. Korea Agrees to Nuclear Disarmament
This could be really good news, but we probably won’t hear much about it. There are still too many unresolved Anna Nicole Smith issues.
Stern’s Sister: He Last Saw Smith Asleep
Where, in a dream?
Pelosi to Lead Way in Debate Over Iraq
She should be careful. They have a habit of firing guns into the air in Iraq.
Ancient Chimps May Have Used Hammers
OK, but where did they get nails?
A New School Plans to Teach Half of Classes Using Arabic
It could teach the other half using Hebrew. It might produce some interesting cultural clashes.
What You Need to Know About Flying with Fido
If you fly with dogs you might get fleas?
California’s Future May be Paved With Fees
Well, that’s better than fleas.
Thai Cops on Alert for Underage Kissing
They don’t want their innocence to go missing.
Farmer Exasperated with Wayward Donkey
That’s probably not the way the donkey sees it.
February 8, 2007 – 11:22 am
Robot Parking Garage to Open in New York
I didn’t know that parking space for robots was that much of a problem in New York.
Gore: Nations Must Take Lead in Warming
I thought he was against warming.
Rare Turtles Found Dead in Bangladesh
Did they vow that they wouldn’t be caught dead in Bangladesh?
Wizardry at Harvard: Physicists Move Light
Big deal! I’ve moved a few lights myself — without wizardry.
Electrocuted Owl Cuts Power to 23,000
That’s quite an accomplishment for an owl, especially a dead one.
January 25, 2007 – 9:53 am
eBay Announces Aggressive Buyback
Well, they’re going to pay dearly for the junk I bought there.
Garner Tells How Ring Fell Into a Drain
I can’t wait to read this! Will they follow-up with how she got the ring out of the drain?
Rhino Born from Artificial Insemination
Do we really need to know this?
Wii Helps Nintendo Year-End Profits Soar
Hopefully not out the window.
Can Polyester Save the World?
Don’t hold your breath.
Rough (but Silly) Justice and Striking (also Silly) Moves
Sounds silly to me.
Why Are There So Many Single Americans?
Because they haven’t married?
January 22, 2007 – 10:55 am
State Prison Inmates Outliving People on Outside
Darn! Now the health Nazis will try to send us all to prison.
Poll: Most Think Country on Wrong Track
Do most know what is the right track?
Chavez to U.S. Officials: ‘Go to Hell’
First he tells the UN that we are led by the devil. Now he wants our officials to go to hell. I don’t think Hugo likes us. And he seems to have a Satan fixation.
Rare Snow Storm Surprises Arizona
Global Warming works in mysterious ways.
DiCaprio: I’m No ‘Piece of Cute Meat’
Well, are you a piece of ugly meat?
Jeeps Go Forth and Reproduce
The SUVs should watch out for STDs.
How to Fix a Honking Honda
Find it a Jeep?
Help, I’m Surrounded by Jerks
Jerk magnets are on their own.
January 14, 2007 – 11:58 am
Clinton Meets with Karzai, U.S. Troops
I just had an epiphany. The reason foreign governments hate our democratic country so much is that they have to entertain every Tom, Dick and Hillary who is running for President.
Tax Bills Hit Poor Hardest
Don’t fret. The poor are accustomed to being hit the hardest.
It’s Time to be a Snore Loser
What can I add to that?
Terrorists Seen Using Google to Hit British
The Brits should use Yahoo to hit back.
Study Links High SAT Scores to Degrees
What would we do without studies?
New Orleans Struggles to Keep its Black Character
Which one? New Orleans has a lot of black characters.
Finding Right Airfare isn’t a Big Investment
No, that comes when you buy the ticket.
January 12, 2007 – 5:43 pm
Memphis Pandas Get Privacy to Mate
Brazilian model Daniela Cicarelli should take a hint from the Pandas.
Fashion Designers Issue Model Guidelines
Among them: Don’t have sex on a public beach?
Shopping for a Villa, He Wound Up With a Village
Now he can raise a child.
Man Files Lawsuit to Take Wife’s Name
If he wins will his wife thereafter remain nameless?
Cow Season in Cambodia
Don’t expect to bag an eight-pointer.
January 8, 2007 – 12:17 pm
Court Drops Charges Against Saddam
How untimely for Saddam!
Saddam’s Trial Resumes 9 Days after Hanging
The Iraqis seem to have a ‘cart before horse’ problem.
Gates Continues Push for Wired Homes
Good ideas have longevity. FDR pushed for wired homes in the 1930s.
Elvis-Nixon Meeting has Fans Shook Up
Two dead guys having a meeting kind of shakes me up too.
January 6, 2007 – 10:58 am
Stonger Than a Falling Bullet: Woman’s Bra Softens Bullet’s Blow
What about her other garments? Was she wearing only a bra? Should she start wearing a bra on her head?
Police Plan to Question Man in Custody for Broncos Player’s Slaying
Well, I would hope so. Will tomorrow’s headline be: Police Plan to Guard Cell of Man in Custody for Broncos Player’s Slaying?
Florida Fears Citrus-Leaf-Eating Butterfly
Oh great! We’ve got man-eating sharks and alligators and now we have to worry about butterflies.
Moose From Utah Transported to Colorado
I thought they were talking about an offensive lineman. But no, one day we’re using helicopters to feed cattle, the next day we’re using them to capture moose.
Gators Getting Along Fine Without Thomas
What would alligators do with a toy train anyway?
Florida Looks to Find a Way to Conquer Troy
How about using a very large wooden horse?
