It occurred to me that it might be helpful if I published some keys to the pronunciation of the President of Iran’s name. I’ve picked up a couple on the web and made up one myself. Here’s what I have to date:
If I hear others I’ll add them to the list. Let me know if you have one.
Unstable Crane Causes Evacuation in Stamford
It’s best to play it safe when threatened by a very large demented bird.
Dropping the Chicken
…and running from the crazy crane.
It’s Bird Eat Bird in a Cluttered Sky
From the crazy crane, a muttered cry.
From the dropped chicken, a sputtered why?
Smuggled Turtle Eggs Seized in Mexico
Were they hidden in a turtle?
Priced Out of Rome
Consider living in Nome.
Ten Things to Do Before this Article is Finished
One of them should be to come up with a better headline.
Op-Chart: An Update on the State of New Orleans
It now contains the city of Louisiana.
Assigning Blame for the Mess in Iraq (5 Letters)
Don’t look at me; my name has six letters.
Obama Offers Universal Health Care Plan
This is fantastic news for a lot of people — but I wasn’t aware that Obama is that wealthy.
Pelosi: Climate Change Is a Reality
Uh… Nancy, I think most of us learned that in elementary school.
Will Warming Lead to a Rise in Hurricanes?
Most likely. We’ve never had many hurricanes during the winter.
Rice Cautions Israel on Syria
Uh… Condi, I think Israel is already aware of the danger posed by Syria.
Lawmakers renew effort for ealth coverage
Soon they’ll know how to spell it.
Methodists tackle transition issue in clergy sex changes
What can I say?
This morning on Don Imus’ show on MSNBC, Don’s wife Deirdre made some disparaging remarks about pigs. She said that pigs pollute and cause cancer. The fact that she used the juvenile term for swine instead of the adult term is a dead giveaway that she knows nothing about hogs.
I don’t know how hogs cause cancer. Perhaps there is some way that people cause cancer by eating pork. Does Deirdre think that hogs are on some kind of jihad? That by being composed of very tasty meat they can do their part to annihilate humans?
Hogs may create some pollution in their immediate area but there is one thing for certain: No hog has ever created more than a small fraction of the pollution that Deirdre Imus has created — or will create in the remainder of her life. The average lifespan of a hog is about two years. Deirdre could easily live well past 80 years. Few, if any, hogs jet frequently between their homes in New York and New Mexico. Deirdre could do more to reduce pollution by taking her own life than by trying to prevent hogs from having a life.
All the preachers of radical environmentalism could do more for the environment by ending their lives — or by just staying home — than they do by jetting around the country and world.
To believe that we can ‘embrace’ multiculturalism without any damage to our culture is like believing that you can pick up a turd from the clean end.*
If we are to have multiple cultures they have to be different from our culture. I suppose it’s possible that a culture exists that is superior to ours, but I haven’t discovered it yet. If another culture is superior to ours why would they want to move here? So, it is quite likely that any new culture that we might welcome to our country is inferior to our own. At least in our view — and our view is what counts.
The Church of Multiculturalism holds that embracing a different culture means that you don’t try to change them. You don’t try to assimilate them into our culture. If you do then you have to go looking for another culture to ‘embrace’. You must encourage them to stay the way they are which, remember, is inferior to our culture. If they don’t stay the way they are we can’t continue to enjoy their weirdness.
So, the pattern is clear. Welcome new backward cultures to our fair shores. Encourage them to congregate and establish their own communities in order to perpetuate their backwardness. Pretend that this is a good thing. Embrace them often — if you can find the clean end.
Seriously, I think that most of the people that come here legally are laughing up their sleeves at the multiculturalists. They come because they want a better life for themselves and their families. Sure, they might preserve some of their customs, but mostly they want to live differently than before.
*Adapted from I Can Plainly See.
What’s the big deal about the word faggot? OK, it’s not a kind thing to call someone, but neither is it kind to call the Conservative Political Action Conference — where Ann Coulter implied that John Edwards is a faggot — a hate fest. People of all political persuasions use unkind words every day. Can you count the times the left has used an unkind word in referring to Dick Cheney and Karl Rove?
Anyone that knows anything about Ann Coulter knows that stirring up controversy is her style; that speaking bluntly is her trademark. The furor over her remark is more about a chance to attack Coulter than about any real harm done to Edwards. How can being barked at by a right-wing attack dog harm a political candidate that spends his days trying to convince the Poor America (of his Two Americas) that he is their savior while living in a 29,000 square foot house?
While he does appear a bit effeminate, I’ve never had any reason to think Edwards is gay. I don’t think Coulter does either. This was just her rather colorful way of expressing her dislike of Edwards. I don’t like Edwards either; if I listen to him for a few minutes I start feeling nauseous. I’ve lived my whole life in the deep South but I have an unexplained distrust for anyone who talks like their mouth is full of grits — even though I love grits.
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I can live with not calling homosexuals bad names, but I confess that I can’t treat them just like everyone else. Good golly Miss Molly! THEY’RE NOT LIKE EVERYONE ELSE! I can’t take them seriously when I have that image in my mind of what they do when they’re alone together (at least it used to be when they’re alone together). I don’t treat women just like I treat men because they’re not just like men. If homosexuals insist on being different they shouldn’t be surprised to find that others will treat them as if they’re different.
I know I’m not a homophobe; I’m not the least bit afraid of homosexuals. If I need some work done I will hire the person that I think will provide the best value, regardless of sexual orientation. If I have a house to rent I will rent it to anyone that I think will take care of it and pay the rent on-time, regardless of sexual orientation. But if I’m choosing a new friend I’ll probably lean toward a straight person.
Perhaps it’s because I’m just too old to adapt. I don’t think young people with tattoos are attractive either. Uh… I should have said ‘young women’, not ‘young people’. I didn’t mean to imply that I think young men without tattoos are… Well, you know what I meant.
N. Korea Agrees to Nuclear Disarmament
This could be really good news, but we probably won’t hear much about it. There are still too many unresolved Anna Nicole Smith issues.
Stern’s Sister: He Last Saw Smith Asleep
Where, in a dream?
Pelosi to Lead Way in Debate Over Iraq
She should be careful. They have a habit of firing guns into the air in Iraq.
Ancient Chimps May Have Used Hammers
OK, but where did they get nails?
A New School Plans to Teach Half of Classes Using Arabic
It could teach the other half using Hebrew. It might produce some interesting cultural clashes.
What You Need to Know About Flying with Fido
If you fly with dogs you might get fleas?
California’s Future May be Paved With Fees
Well, that’s better than fleas.
Thai Cops on Alert for Underage Kissing
They don’t want their innocence to go missing.
Farmer Exasperated with Wayward Donkey
That’s probably not the way the donkey sees it.
Robot Parking Garage to Open in New York
I didn’t know that parking space for robots was that much of a problem in New York.
Gore: Nations Must Take Lead in Warming
I thought he was against warming.
Rare Turtles Found Dead in Bangladesh
Did they vow that they wouldn’t be caught dead in Bangladesh?
Wizardry at Harvard: Physicists Move Light
Big deal! I’ve moved a few lights myself — without wizardry.
Electrocuted Owl Cuts Power to 23,000
That’s quite an accomplishment for an owl, especially a dead one.
I just read about a new robotic parking garage that is to open in New York. You just drive the car onto a pallet, get out of the car and walk away, and then the computerized system automatically transports the car into the garage and deposits the pallet and car into a slot. The machinery is obviously quite expensive but it takes less space per car than a conventional parking garage. We won’t be needing one in our town in the foreseeable future though.
It occurred to me that, if they can automatically put cars in slots in a garage, then why not put them in your hotel room? Well, not actually in your room, but in a parking slot next to your room. It could be just like at home; just open a door and step into your garage. You wouldn’t have to unload your luggage and pay a bellhop to take it to your room. You wouldn’t have to decide what you are going to need before going up to your room; it’s all right there a few steps away. You don’t have to worry if your car and belongings are safe. On second thought, if the system put it there I suppose it could take it away while you are sleeping. Actually you might not do that much sleeping with that machinery delivering and picking up cars at all hours.
Sounds convenient but I’m sure I would never want to pay what such a room would cost. And if I snore my wife might make me sleep in the car.
eBay Announces Aggressive Buyback
Well, they’re going to pay dearly for the junk I bought there.
Garner Tells How Ring Fell Into a Drain
I can’t wait to read this! Will they follow-up with how she got the ring out of the drain?
Rhino Born from Artificial Insemination
Do we really need to know this?
Wii Helps Nintendo Year-End Profits Soar
Hopefully not out the window.
Can Polyester Save the World?
Don’t hold your breath.
Rough (but Silly) Justice and Striking (also Silly) Moves
Sounds silly to me.
Why Are There So Many Single Americans?
Because they haven’t married?