State Prison Inmates Outliving People on Outside
Darn! Now the health Nazis will try to send us all to prison.

Poll: Most Think Country on Wrong Track
Do most know what is the right track?

Chavez to U.S. Officials: ‘Go to Hell’
First he tells the UN that we are led by the devil. Now he wants our officials to go to hell. I don’t think Hugo likes us. And he seems to have a Satan fixation.

Rare Snow Storm Surprises Arizona
Global Warming works in mysterious ways.

DiCaprio: I’m No ‘Piece of Cute Meat’
Well, are you a piece of ugly meat?

Jeeps Go Forth and Reproduce
The SUVs should watch out for STDs.

How to Fix a Honking Honda
Find it a Jeep?

Help, I’m Surrounded by Jerks
Jerk magnets are on their own.

Clinton Meets with Karzai, U.S. Troops
I just had an epiphany. The reason foreign governments hate our democratic country so much is that they have to entertain every Tom, Dick and Hillary who is running for President.

Tax Bills Hit Poor Hardest
Don’t fret. The poor are accustomed to being hit the hardest.

It’s Time to be a Snore Loser
What can I add to that?

Terrorists Seen Using Google to Hit British
The Brits should use Yahoo to hit back.

Study Links High SAT Scores to Degrees
What would we do without studies?

New Orleans Struggles to Keep its Black Character
Which one? New Orleans has a lot of black characters.

Finding Right Airfare isn’t a Big Investment
No, that comes when you buy the ticket.

Memphis Pandas Get Privacy to Mate
Brazilian model Daniela Cicarelli should take a hint from the Pandas.

Fashion Designers Issue Model Guidelines
Among them: Don’t have sex on a public beach?

Shopping for a Villa, He Wound Up With a Village
Now he can raise a child.

Man Files Lawsuit to Take Wife’s Name
If he wins will his wife thereafter remain nameless?

Cow Season in Cambodia
Don’t expect to bag an eight-pointer.

Court Drops Charges Against Saddam
How untimely for Saddam!

Saddam’s Trial Resumes 9 Days after Hanging
The Iraqis seem to have a ‘cart before horse’ problem.

Gates Continues Push for Wired Homes
Good ideas have longevity. FDR pushed for wired homes in the 1930s.

Elvis-Nixon Meeting has Fans Shook Up
Two dead guys having a meeting kind of shakes me up too.

Stonger Than a Falling Bullet: Woman’s Bra Softens Bullet’s Blow
What about her other garments? Was she wearing only a bra? Should she start wearing a bra on her head?

Police Plan to Question Man in Custody for Broncos Player’s Slaying
Well, I would hope so. Will tomorrow’s headline be: Police Plan to Guard Cell of Man in Custody for Broncos Player’s Slaying?

Florida Fears Citrus-Leaf-Eating Butterfly
Oh great! We’ve got man-eating sharks and alligators and now we have to worry about butterflies.

Moose From Utah Transported to Colorado
I thought they were talking about an offensive lineman. But no, one day we’re using helicopters to feed cattle, the next day we’re using them to capture moose.

Gators Getting Along Fine Without Thomas
What would alligators do with a toy train anyway?

Florida Looks to Find a Way to Conquer Troy
How about using a very large wooden horse?